What is the J Holman House and who is Pastor Antoinette Roberts?
Pastor Antoinette Roberts is the founder of the J Holman House, a non-profit organization based near Atlanta, Georgia, that provides support for suicide loss survivors. Pastor Roberts is a suicide loss survivor herself, having lost her 18-year-old son, Jermaine Holman (after whom the organization is named), to suicide in 2004. She is a passionate advocate for suicide awareness and prevention and works to create a safe space for people to openly discuss suicide.
What factors contributed to Pastor Roberts' son's struggles?
In hindsight, Pastor Roberts realized that her son was deeply hurting, primarily due to the absence of a relationship with his father, who had rejected him multiple times. At the time, as a single mother working hard as a nurse and dealing with her own challenges, she was unaware of the depth of his emotional pain. His struggles manifested in undesirable behaviors, including joining a gang, which she initially misinterpreted as disrespect and disobedience rather than recognizing them as red flags of his underlying hurt.
What were some of the red flags Pastor Roberts missed, and what advice does she offer to parents?
Pastor Roberts identifies the growing separation between herself and her son as a significant missed red flag. She advises parents to prioritize checking in on their children, even when navigating their own difficulties. She highlights that society often discourages young men from expressing emotions like hurt, leading it to manifest as anger or undesirable behaviors. Pastor Roberts emphasizes the importance of creating a safe space for children to express themselves and giving them the grace to not be perfect. She stresses the decline of the traditional family unit and the loss of shared moments like family dinners as contributing factors to disconnection.
When did Pastor Roberts first notice a significant change in her son's behavior?
Pastor Roberts noticed a significant shift around the age of 14 when her son came home severely beaten up after starting high school. While he claimed it was from friends, her intuition suggested it was gang-related. She began to observe gang-related paraphernalia and, despite his denial, realized he was involved. In response, she opened her home to him and his friends, who she recognized as broken young men with nowhere else to go.
How did the suicide impact Pastor Roberts' other children?
Pastor Roberts' daughter, who was 12 at the time, was very close to her older brother and continues to struggle with his loss. Her youngest son, who was three, was the one who found his brother and doesn't typically talk about the experience. The daughter revealed that she had also considered suicide after her brother's death but saw the immense pain it caused and chose to live. Pastor Roberts emphasizes the importance of having open conversations with her daughter and helping her live for herself, not out of fear of causing pain. Both siblings have navigated the aftermath differently, with the daughter seeking therapy and the son relying on his faith.
How did Pastor Roberts cope with the grief and shock of her son's death?
Initially, Pastor Roberts, being the "strong one" in her family, suppressed her grief. She didn't cry at the funeral and carried a lump in her throat for 15 years, unable to express her pain openly due to her upbringing. Her family, not knowing what to say, became quiet around her. She experienced immense private grief, including crying uncontrollably and being angry with God. This suppressed grief led to a nervous breakdown, and upon seeking therapy, she was diagnosed with severe clinical depression.
What was a turning point in Pastor Roberts' healing journey?
A significant turning point occurred while she was working as a nurse and caring for an 18-year-old patient who had survived a suicide attempt. Witnessing the patient's mother's struggles and hearing a message she interpreted as divine grace (implying this could have been her own ongoing burden) was a pivotal moment. This, coupled with challenging the belief that her son was in hell due to suicide, led her to understand his death as a transition with a purpose: to save other young men's lives. This realization was instrumental in her healing and led to the creation of the J Holman House.
What are some common triggers for suicide, according to Pastor Roberts, and what is her overarching message?
Pastor Roberts believes that shame, guilt, and fear are among the most common triggers for suicide. She sees suicide as a symptom of deeper underlying issues, not just mental illness. These roots can include childhood trauma, genetic factors, generational curses, or peer influence. Shame and guilt are particularly prevalent in both those who attempt suicide and suicide loss survivors. Pastor Roberts' overarching message is one of awareness, prevention, and the importance of creating safe spaces for people to talk about their struggles. She emphasizes that "it's okay not to be okay," but that help and healing are possible. She urges those contemplating suicide to reach out for help (providing the 988 hotline in the US) and encourages support and understanding for families affected by suicide, acknowledging the complex aftermath and impact it has.
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